im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
