Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
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I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
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then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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