How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
