Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
