I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
