a queef is a wish your heart makes.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
