Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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