So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Randomize
