I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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