listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I need to calm my uterus...
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
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