Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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