the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
