i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
My vagina just recognized that song.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
