I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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