I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
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I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
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Couch. On fire.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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