the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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