She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Randomize
