i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
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I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
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I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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