come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
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