having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Randomize