my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
