if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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