fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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