If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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