There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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