Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
