My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
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