I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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