I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
