We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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