if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Randomize
