You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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