I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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