dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
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