the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
