Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
And then he peed in my hair
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
