I should be sponsored by Trojan
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
