the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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