Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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