I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
