im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
she smelled like a LAN party
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
