went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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