apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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