Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
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i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
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No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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