Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
