I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
