thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
