Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I am midnight drunk by noon
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
