Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
