I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
