Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
COCAINE IS GR8
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
