I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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