i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
i think i just lost a toe
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
